By Jeff Moss
January 29, 2014
In the last couple of weeks I have been escorted out of a Pistons game for letting Joe Dumars know I wasn’t very happy that he passed on Trey Burke in the 2013 Draft — without using profanity — and barred from the Caldwell press conference, causing the Detroit Lions to change their security measures for press conferences at Ford Field.
But, until the other day, I hadn’t been contacted by the police regarding any of my “deviant” behavior. On Tuesday though, I woke up to an email from an Allen Park Detective working in the “Investigative Services Bureau” requesting to talk to me about a “Lions issue.”
A detective from the Investigative Services Bureau? All I could picture was Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey slapping me around while inquiring as to my whereabouts on the night Dora Lange disappeared.
Anyway, here is the email exchange I had with the Allen Park policeman. I have redacted the detective’s name in these screen grabs because he didn’t do anything wrong. He received a complaint from inside the Lions practice facility about “threatening correspondence” and had an obligation to investigate.
You’ve done your duty, nothing more.
If I come out of this alive, you’ll find me
At number fifty-five Rue Plumet
No doubt our paths will cross again.
Sorry, I got carried away in song there for a second. Anyway, here is the correspondence …..
Now, I knew two things the second that the detective said this was about a “Tweet” — it couldn’t be very serious, and a member of the Lions organization was just trying to scare me by getting the authorities involved.
My first thought wasn’t getting prosecuted for making fun of Tom Lewand’s DUI bust, it was how I could string this along and entertain you people in the form of an article.
Hell, getting arrested for some borderline crude Tweet about Martin Mayhew would have been well worth the fine and the couple of hours in an Allen Park cell.
I could just imagine the conversation with my potential cellmate …..
“What are you in here for?”
“I raped an underage boy with a pool stick. You?”
“I made a joke on Twitter about Lions President Tom Lewand blaming Tic-Tacs for the horrific smell of alcohol on his breath.”
“Yeah, you are going to be my bitch, Moss.”
My original plan was to walk into Allen Park Police Headquarters with the six attorneys who had already agreed to represent me regarding this Lions nonsense in a display of arrogance a la Montgomery Burns™ (Justin Spiro).
But my lead barrister, Peter Arvant, figured a simple call to the detective would suffice. He advised me that he would never let a client walk into a police station — even if their stated goal WAS to end up on the front page of Deadspin.
So what was all this about? Which Tweet of mine alarmed a Lions employee to the degree that he or she felt compelled to CALL THE COPS?!??!!?
Well, January 16th was the Lions’ new head
dolt, errr, I mean coach’s birthday; to commemorate that special day, the woman in charge of the Lions propaganda website decided to PhotoShop some festive balloons into a picture of Jim Caldwell. Here is that Tweet:
— Chrissie Wywrot (@Chrissie5213) January 16, 2014
As you can see, her name is Chrissie Wywrot and her official job title is Managing Editor of DetroitLions.com, which, I guess, makes her the boss of Tim Twentyman and Mike O’Hara. Or as I will nickname her from here on out, Josephine Goebbels.
Now, I don’t follow Chrissie Wywrot [In Hell for Publishing Propaganda Pieces for a Franchise That Has Won One Playoff Game in 56 Years and Is the Only Non-Expansion Team To Never Make a Super Bowl] on the Twat Box, but the Lions graciously Re-Tweeted that cute B-Day pic.
Anyway, being the dick that I am, I felt the need to respond to this “cute” picture of the Lions new head coach — who arrives with a career winning percentage of .379.
And here is what I posted ……..
@Chrissie5213 Can you make me a PhotoShop of William Clay Ford, Sr. and Tim Twentyman in a casket? Thanks ahead of time.
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 16, 2014
@Chrissie5213 Oh how about a PhotoShop of the Lions at a Super Bowl since that will never occur in real life?
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 16, 2014
Now, was my Tweet about the feckless owner of the franchise and his chief propagandist crass, unseemly and distasteful?
Of course. Do you know what websight™ (Terry Foster) you are currently perusing?
But can you imagine calling the COPS over it? This Public Relations hack who is masquerading as a legitimate news outlet is obviously familiar with the PhotoShop software — hence the BALLOONS.
So, she had to know that requesting a PhotoShop of Fredo Clay Ford, Sr. and Tim the Size of Twentyman in a casket was a JOKE.
Furthermore, I don’t believe for a second that Three’s Company CrookedLetterIron decided to alert the Allen Park authorities without first consulting someone like Bill Keenist.
Look, I have been running this site for 11 years and — as far as I know — I haven’t killed anyone yet. As a matter of fact, my criminal record is as nonexistent as the number of playoff victories the Lions have enjoyed since Lewand and Mayhew joined this organization.
Hell, Wywrot probably could have walked down the hall to Lewand’s office and asked about me, since, ya know, he STILL is following me on Twitter.
Instead, the Lions decided to WASTE a detective’s precious time when he could have been out dealing with some real Downriver crime.
Anyway, good job, Chrissie Wywrot; you are now officially on my radar for completely overreacting to parody and needlessly attempting to frighten me by calling 911.
But I don’t scare easily — especially when I haven’t done anything wrong.
And as my all-time favorite detective used to say ……. “just one more thing…”
It would appear that Chrissie is married to Tom Wywrot …. the Sports Information Director for the Michigan basketball team; they have two children.
Can you imagine the genetic predisposition to shilling that those kids have being the offspring of an SID and the managing editor of a TEAM-run “news” website????
Like, Vincent Goodwill could father a child with Tokyo Rose and not breed a more perfect stooge.
If I were Kim Jong-un, I’d snap up the Wywrot kids immediately before the representatives of Clean Coal Technology read this article or Aaron Eckhart’s character from “Thank You for Smoking” retires.
Yikes, I don’t think I am making things much better with this article.
Shit, I’d better start a legal defense fund. I never did ask Arvant about his hourly rate.